Esquire September 2014

ADDITIONALLY… AN ESQUIRE MAN: CAPTAIN SID LANDRY Turns out the airboat captain who drove Chris Pratt around for our cover story is as interesting as the leading man. > I own one fifth of one fifth of this land. It's 14,000 acres, which my grandfather bought in the '30s or '40s for a nickel an acre. My siblings all pitch in. I take care of the land, and they hold out their hands for money. > I hunt for alligators and alligator eggs and sell them to farmers. Only 3 to 4 percent of alligators survive in the wild, so the farmers have to put 12 percent of all four-foot gators back in the canals. >A lot of buttheads have shot music videos here. The rapper Juvenile and his group…

Connie Britton The star of ABC's Nashville and the new film This Is Where I Leave You talks New Orleans, David O. Russell, going to Dartmouth, and urinals on a Monday afternoon at Balthazar in downtown Manhattan. SCOTT RAAB: You come here a lot? CONNIE BRITTON: I'm not in New York that much these days, but I've come here over the years. SR: The guy at the next urinal recommended the steak tartare. CB: I'm sure it's delicious. SR: Taking it with a grain of kidney stone. CB: I always love the trout. Are you gonna get the tartare? SR [To waiter]: I'll have the steak tartare. The petite order. CB: As recommended by the man at the urinal. SR: At a lot of new joints, they put up a…

I'm going to watch it. And I'm going to feel a little bad about watching it. Not bad enough to stop watching it, but bad, especially when a player goes down and everybody's hushed and waiting for him to move or when they keep replaying another player's anatomy being pushed beyond the breaking point. I can hear the announcer now: "Oh. Oh. Folks, I don't know if you want to watch this… ." But I'll watch that, too, with near forensic intensity, and wonder why. And I won't be the only one. Football, as we all know, is under siege. It's under siege from former Pro Bowlers who want the NFL to account for their morbidities and their mortalities. It's under siege from college players who want to get paid.…

SO THERE'S THIS GUY named John working in his store one day when he hears this booming voice from above that says, "John, sell your store." He ignores it. But after weeks of being harassed, he relents and sells his store. The voice says, "John, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. The voice says, "John, go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand." He's dealt a 19. The dealer has a 6 showing. "Take a card." "What? The dealer has a si—" "Take. A. Card." He gets an ace. "Take another card." "But I have 20!" "Take another card!" Scared, John says, "Hit me." He gets another ace—21. The voice says, "Un-fucking-believable." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: On the Showtime…

Someone who? Some other sex columnist you've been talking to? Well, why don't you ask her what compersion means. Most likely a merger of compassion and perversion, compersion is a term invented by the polyamorous, the term invented for people who reinvented cheating. Compersion describes the great feelings that one gets about the great feelings all of one's partners get from all of their partners. Sheila might, for example, feel compersion about Ron's getting to third with Donna and say something like, "Wow, that's great. I have a lot of compersion for you. I'm so compersed." Unlike swingers, who get what they need and go home, polyamorous people can maintain several serious relationships at once and thus are never without a handjob or someone to go to Ikea with. But…

If you know the whats and wherefores of mixing drinks, you can make a fine cocktail with practically no equipment at all—a pair of red Solo cups, or a chopstick and a mason jar, or a Ziploc bag and a pin. But it's always easier and usually looks better if you're using the proper tools. Until a few years ago, there were two kinds of bar gear: the expensive design-forward but often impractical stuff aimed at the home mixologist and the cheap and crappy but functional stuff actually used in bars. Nowadays, as you'll see if you go into any serious cocktail joint, there's a third option: solid professional tools that also look great. Nothing revolutionary, mind you: The basic bartender's kit hasn't changed all that much in well over…