Innholdsfortegnelse for January 2014 i Esquire

Essential information for this issue and your month THE WISDOM INDEX POPULAR TOPICS ADDRESSED BY THIS YEAR'S PANEL OF INSIGHT-SHARING EXPERTS BUILD YOUR OWN WHAT I'VE LEARNED QUOTE YOU, TOO, CAN SPOUT PITHY WISDOM LIKE THE MEN AND WOMEN IN THIS ISSUE (STARTING ON PAGE 52). REMEMBER MAD LIBS? IT'S AS EASY AS THAT. AND MORE REWARDING, SINCE THE RESULT WILL LAST FOREVER, CARRIED ON IN THE HEART AND SOUL OF ALL WHO HEAR IT. POSSIBLY. 1, there's only 2 way to 3 a/an 4, and that's 5. Oh, and maybe 6. 1. An interjection—you know, like "Look" or "See here," if you happen to be addressing someone you are cross with in Victorian England 2. A whole number greater than zero but less than two 3. Prolong/cut short 4.…

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR AND orders a beer. He takes his first sip, sets it down, and before he can take another, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer. Infuriated, the guy asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender says it's the piano player's. So the guy walks over to the piano player and says, "Do youknow your monkey stole my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Outside of a couple close friends on her team, no one in Portia Doubleday's kickball league knows that she's the actress who toyed with Michael Cera in 2010's Youth in Revolt and who played the main instigator in Carrie this past fall. Instead the 25-year-old is…

I have the wrists of a lady. (I am not a lady.) So, to be fair, nearly any watch looks strange on my arm. But Samsung's new smart watch, the [Fig. 1] Galaxy Gear ($300; samsung.com), looks more like a house-arrest bracelet than a timepiece. Every time my shirt cuff slides up, people notice the watch. They notice it in a bad way, and they tend to make fun of me, usually with beep-boop noises and mock concern about where I misplaced my glasses. Which explains why the week I planned on testing the Gear turned into 12 hours. The test was an attempt to get on board with the newest trend in tech: smart watches. In the last few months (or even a year, depending on the nerdiness of…

An ancient fear is slouching from the past to stalk us: the figure of the woman who will screw you to death. She comes clothed in the latest, slickest fashions. In Under the Skin, a somber, hypnotically terrifying film out later this year, the Sexiest Woman Alive cruises through Scotland in a white van, picking up affectless young men, bringing them home, taking off all her clothes, and leading them into a kind of black goo that suspends and preserves them until their insides can be sucked out, leaving their skins to float like used candy wrappers in the ether. There is no explanation and no narration. None is needed: She is pure sexuality and she is pure killing. The two go together. The vagina dentata, the vagina with teeth,…

CAMERON AND TYLER WINKLEVOSS, ENTREPRENEURS, 32, NEW YORK CITY INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, OCTOBER 2, 2013 > CAMERON: Well, if you've seen the movie Social Network, you know us. TYLER: He's joking, by the way. > CAMERON: Being identical twins, I'd say we probably learned the best lesson from our mom at the same time. TYLER: We both felt that we were her number-one priority. CAMERON: Part of the reason we're able to feel this way is we don't know who's older or younger. I assume our parents know. But they tell us they don't. From day one, I think our parents were determined to make sure we were on exactly the same plane. > TYLER: Any disagreement we've had, however heated, has been over five minutes afterward. CAMERON:…

ACTRESS, 75, LOS ANGELES INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, OCTOBER 19, 2013 ACTRESS, 79, NEW YORK CITY INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, OCTOBER 31, 2013 Dawn Wells > Everybody bet it wouldn't last three weeks. Everybody thought it was the stupidest show ever written. It can't be stupid and have survived like it has. We've never been off the air. > I never slept until noon in my life. I was never one of those teenagers that couldn't get out of bed on Saturday morning. I'm up at six. Hence the name Dawn. > The Gilligan's Island experience of seven misfits trying to get together and survive is kind of what the world is today. All the nationalities and languages, different morals and faiths, trying to get along on this planet. >…

THE ALL-MANNING TEAM ARCHIE (Pictured, in August 1968, the starting QB for the Ole Miss Rebels.)> 2 PRO BOWLS> 23,911 PASSING YARDS > 0 SUPER BOWL RINGS PEYTON > ACTIVE CAREER- PASSING-YARDS LEADER > 12 PRO BOWLS > 1 SUPER BOWL MVP ELI > 3 PRO BOWLS > 2 SUPER BOWL MVPS QUARTERBACK, 64, NEW ORLEANS INTERVIEWED BY ANTHONY L. GARGANO, APRIL 10, 2013 > Your children are so doggone different. It doesn't change your principles and the way you raise them, but you have to have your head on a swivel as far as anticipating that they aren't the same and they aren't going to react the same. > When you have the first one, you think you're the first parent in the world. You want to tell everybody.…

> My father was the guy in my life. One of the greatest things he ever told me was "You know how stuff works, Jimmy? When the cat's bigger than the shit, you keep the cat. If the shit gets bigger than the cat, out goes the cat." That's how I speak. I got it from him. > My father was a longshoreman. He sat at the Italian-American longshoremen's club in Brooklyn. The guys that worked in the neighborhood would say to him, "Where's your son going?" "He goes to the studio." "What does he do in the studio?" And my father said, "My son has magic ears. He can hear what you're thinking." > Another thing he said: He constantly told me, "Every room that you walk into is…

A WOMAN WE LOVE THE STAR OF SHAMELESS GIVES US A TOUR OF HER HOME, IMPORTANT ADVICE FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP, AND AN UNEXPECTED INTRODUCTION TO HER DOG'S UNDERCARRIAGE (ROSSUM) EMMY ROSSUM KNOWS HOW TO BE. That's how the twenty-seven-year-old puts it: "I just always knew how to be." Meaning: She knows how to talk to people in a way that's easy. She knows how to joke around and tell a good story and get serious when she wants to be serious, sweet when she wants to be sweet, a little raunchy when she wants to crack herself up. Knows how to be comfortable. She was all of seven when they pulled her mother aside and told her her daughter could sing. Little Emmy was soon performing with the New York…

THINGS TO DO IN JANUARY Cold. Dark at 4:15 P.M. College football's over. Pro football is almost over. Yup, January's a bitch. But here are twenty-five things you can do to occupy your time, improve your life, and have a little fun. 01 Cook a Steak in Your Fireplace The first time I put raw meat on a piece of smoldering firewood, I was nervous. I knew it would cook, but wouldn't it be nasty and ashy? I figured it would, but I was drunk and hungry and didn't care. I had a fire. I had meat. Did I really need to bother with a pan? I dropped the steak onto the fire. The result was the smokiest wood-grilled meat I had ever tasted, and not just because of the…

ELVIS COSTELLO SCOTT RAAB TALKS TO THE MUSICIAN ABOUT YOUTUBE, POMPOUS CRITICS, QUESTLOVE, HANK WILLIAMS, AND HOW HE JUST NEVER GOT INTO ZEPPELIN Lunchtime, Blue Note Records offices. SCOTT RAAB: I brought this ancient "Alison" single to show you. Can't remember how I came across it. ELVIS COSTELLO: I'll bet you it has strings on it. We put these cheap synth strings on the track before there were really even synths. They said, "The strings will make it a hit!" SR: It didn't work. EC: It was never a hit. It wasn't even a hit for Linda Ronstadt. I'm grateful that she recorded it, because the money that brought in kept us afloat in the first few years, when we weren't selling any records at all. SR: Amazing how different…

I rish whiskey is having its moment. For decades, this venerable, elegant, yet peerlessly approachable spirit found itself eclipsed by its bolder, more brawling Scotch and American cousins. That's over with. Sales have been rising at spectacular rates (last year, they were up an astounding 23 percent in the U. S.), new brands abound, and new distilleries are open, with more in the pipeline. But why? A little history: 30 years ago, there was only one company making whiskey in all of Ireland, Irish Distillers Ltd, with two operating distilleries. A hundred years before, when the English whiskey writer Alfred Barnard toured the island's distilleries, he found 28 in operation, many of them quite large. But the 20th century was unkind to the industry, leaving only Bushmills, in Northern Ireland,…

Something is finally starting to awaken the slumbering beast of Japan. It's called China. Japan is starting to fight again. That means modernization. And a prolonged rebound for corporate Japan—and one of its bellwether giants, Sony—can unlock enormous value for investors. In the first 40 years after Japan was firebombed, embargoed, and nuked nearly into nonexistence, it staged the single greatest economic comeback in history. And then, to the stupefaction of everyone who spent the 1980s terrified that the Japanese were going to buy all of America's trophy real estate (Rockefeller Center, the Empire State Building, Pebble Beach) and intellectual property (Columbia Pictures and Records) while improving and dominating every American industry it entered (electronics, automobiles), Japan spent the last 30 years achieving virtually nothing. It's been painful to watch.…

THE ESSENTIAL: A GREAT SUIT FOR LESS THAN A GRAND You might not know it looking at our leaders in D. C. or the gang on Duck Dynasty, but we are living in a golden age of suits. Chalk it up to greater manufacturing efficiencies or a greater emphasis on closer (read: correct) fits from even the massest of retailers, but it has never, ever been easier to own a superb-fitting two-piece without spending a ton of money. DKNY has crafted a go-anywhere, do-anything suit in mélange blue cut from the brand's signature stretch wool, a fabric that benefits a trimmer silhouette, for less than $700. A bargain, sure, but a blessing, too, for those occasions (work, weddings, the odd funeral) when nothing but a great suit will do. Two-button…

INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, OCTOBER 10, 2013 > BEN: We were the two slowest, fattest kids in gym class. There was the whole class running around the track, and then half a lap behind there were two guys. So we were connected from the beginning. > JERRY: We were very authentic because we wanted to be— BEN: —and also because we didn't have any money to hire an ad agency. JERRY: So we were authentic by default. > BEN: The only real argument we ever had was about the size of the chunk. I wanted really big chunks. JERRY: It was more than that. Ben postulated that all our customers wanted really big chunks. As if everybody likes big chunks! BEN: And they do! JERRY: I was making the ice…

ALLMAN BROTHER, 66, SAVANNAH INTERVIEWED BY JOHN H. RICHARDSON, OCTOBER 30, 2013 > People always lean toward who's the best guitar player, who's the best singer? I don't see it that way. They're all the best, you know? They've all gotten your attention, you've admired them, you've tried to sing like them. That makes them the best, each and every one of 'em. > There's wildness, and then there's pandemonium. > You gotta come across this barrier. So many people out there can probably sing very good—all they need to do is just drop their inhibitions. That's why most people do their singing in the shower. And of course when you get drunk you don't give a shit. So you find a way to say, I don't give a shit…

ACTOR, 50, LOS ANGELES INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, SEPTEMBER 26, 2013 > I don't like beets. I don't. I don't like beets. I don't even like the word. > This probably isn't good for the article, but I'm not that interesting. I'm not somebody the paparazzi would follow, because there's absolutely nothing to see. I just bought a lemon for my kid's school project. I have to go to the dry cleaner later. Maybe I'll get a haircut. That's it! There's nothing salacious or interesting about my life—to an outsider. Now, I think it's fascinating. I'm very excited about going to the dry cleaner. > You never got the sense Peter Sellers thought he was funny while he was being funny. He's a guy who's trying to maintain a sense…

INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, OCTOBER 10, 2013 > PETER BERG: If someone's my friend, there's somehow an additive quality to the relationship. TAYLOR KITSCH: We met in the NBC Universal building, when I was screen-testing for Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights. I was waiting with the other actors. Pete would come in, pull whomever out, and then bring them to another room. Then it was my turn. We went to this boardroom and did improv for a long time. BERG: I liked him right from the get-go. Instinctively I felt like he was the kind of person I liked having in my life. I wanted him to play the part, but I didn't want to let him know that—plus I had to sell him to all the producers first.…

THERE ARE SEVENTY-FOUR PASSENGERS on the bow of the Island Home, the ferry that runs between the mainland of Massachusetts and Martha's Vineyard. The sun is just starting to break through a thick blanket of clouds. There are not many children island bound this morning: a little boy with a raincoat with airplanes on it; a girl, maybe five or six years old, sitting on her father's lap, blowing bubbles with her gum. Mostly there are adults. A few are traveling alone. There is a silent man with silver hair holding what looks like a tube for blueprints. A younger man with tired eyes stands nearby, drinking beer from a plastic cup, a black bag slung over his shoulder. Down below, there are rows of cars in the hold, and…

THE NSA SUPERSPY, 61, FORT MEADE, MARYLAND > Shh. Shhhhhhhh. > Feeling secure? Yeah? Cool. Just checking. > You can build the most sophisticated intelligence network on earth, disrupt three or four dozen terrorist events in the last decade, and then one punk-ass bitch comes along and screws the pooch. Never underestimate the impact of a punk-ass bitch. > The punk-ass bitch will be the cagey dude with a wispy goatee. Invariably. > Easy there, Feinstein. Eeeeasy. > Weirdest thing: Merkel leaves herself voice mails. It always starts: "Angela!" with that hard g. And then she lets loose. "Doof, doof, doof!" > Black bar here black bar here black ba r h black bar here, like redacted entry] > You want an amusing phone call, tap into New Zealand. Every…

I was raised in the early '70s in the suburbs of Baltimore County, Maryland—a yellow school bus, a brick rancher, a ten-speed, and a bag of weed. And yet, Downton Abbey feels to me a little like home. See, my dad was from a small Virginia town important for its connections to the Civil War. He attended a military academy and a historic southern college; he served as a reservist in the Marines. He dressed impeccably, shaved on Sundays, walked ramrod straight, like a cadet on review. He opened doors, lit cigarettes, helped women with their coats, pulled out chairs. He loved rules. He excelled at following them. I think it helped make him feel as if he had a modicum of control in a messy, unpredictable world. My mom…

Unlike its carefree summer counterpart, the winter weekend breakfast is a moody bastard, best placated by adherence to its guiding principles: late, as anything eaten before the sun kicks in might as well be last night's snack, and weight, not in personal poundage but in gravitas—a greater sense of purpose. Winter finds no solace in fruit. It requires food with a bigger footprint, the sort a stack of granola-stuffed pancakes provides. Equally at home at the table and on the couch, this is a breakfast with staying power, owing much to syrup made from the four seasonal staples every man should have on hand: sugar, fat, booze, and caffeine. Now go forth and make something of these dark days. GRANOLA PANCAKES WITH FOUR-VICE SYRUP SYRUP 8 oz thin-sliced bacon, diced…

I still have a few bikers and lumberjacks to interview, but it's looking that way, yeah. Of course, it's not my goal to get you to grow an unwanted beard just for this reason. Your follicular cultivation is a private matter between you and your clergy, and unwanted beards often lead difficult lives. Whatever your intended prefers, let me and our resident grooming expert, Rodney Cutler, offer guidance. "You've either got to get rid of it or grow it longer," he says, referring to the potential risk of casualties one might incur from any unforeseen sharpness present at the hair tip during impact. "And then the other thing would be to use something like Jack Black's MP 10 nourishing oil. It softens the texture of the beard hair." So, you…

FEATURING: GREAT DUOS! BEN & JERRY GINGER AND MARY ANN THE WINKLEVII AND THESE TWO GUYS… KEITH OLBERMANN DAN PATRICK REMEMBER WHEN THEY WERE ON YOUR TV EVERY NIGHT AT ELEVEN? Keit Olbermann & Dan Patrick BROADCASTER, 55, NEW YORK CITY INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, SEPTEMBER 17, 2013 > My father came from the Bronx, and anything that came out of the river was usually a missing person. So I never had fish other than tuna in a can until 1998. > Respect? Make a joke at my expense, make it sting and really hit home, and make me look at it and go, "That's a great joke." That's respect. > One of the things Dan and I thought was a really good way to pass the time on SportsCenter…

JOURNALIST, 46, RIO DE JANEIRO INTERVIEWED BY TOM JUNOD, SEPTEMBER 15, 2013 > I'm definitely assuming, because you called my home phone, that this call is being monitored. I'm not saying it's being monitored in real time, but it's being stored and recorded and will be analyzed by the NSA. I mean there's just no question about that. > Even though it's sometimes difficult, and sometimes burdensome, and sometimes anxious, you have to feel grateful that you're able to do something this riveting and significant. At some point it's gonna end, so it's good to just ride it while it happens. > I'm excited to get back to something resembling normalcy. > The very first time I spoke to Edward Snowden about what he intended to do, he said the…

GUITAR PLAYER, 70, SARASOTA, FLORIDA INTERVIEWED BY TOM JUNOD, AUGUST 28, 2013 > If you can play, you can stay. > I've been by myself now for ten years. This really is the first time I've ever worked on my career. > Man, you gotta go back to square one and work your way all the way up. And, you know, it's been tough, really. You know, playing the little clubs for no money. It's not like drudgery, but it was surprising that I couldn't just start with theaters. > It was refreshing to get with a fresh group of musicians that weren't so embroiled in age-old jealousies and things. And I'm not bad-mouthing anybody in particular. I'm just talking about any band that works together for that long, as…

> My mother got pregnant with me at the age of fifteen. This was '64, and unheard of at that time. She was told, "You're fucking your life up. You won't be shit—and your kid won't be shit." Everyone was trying to convince her to get an abortion. She wouldn't. So it was always embedded in my head as a child that I have to be a success, because those people cannot be right. > My father is the oldest of seven boys. And they're in the street shit, period. Drug dealing and the whole nine. My father's family steered me away from that life. They were really graphic with me. I saw people doing drugs when I was eleven years old. Back then, the popular drug was PCP. For…

ACTOR, 43, NEW YORK CITY INTERVIEWED BY MIKE SAGER, OCTOBER 29, 2013 > When I was sixteen, I remember telling my high school sweetheart I was pretty sure I knew everything. There were some dates of wars and Latin terms I didn't know, but I felt I knew everything that was important. Now I'm forty-two and I'm pretty sure I don't know anything. > Everything about my life is different than I thought it would be. I don't remember what I thought it would be, but everything about being an adult is so much subtler, and grayer, and so mysterious, and so profound … and a lot more irritating than I ever imagined. > Being a parent dilutes your narcissism. > The father has a very particular role, which involves…

*Metaphorical and otherwise Center, on Matt Kroll: Waxed-cotton-leather-and-down vest ($1,295) by Bally; wool cardigan ($495) by Calvin Klein Collection; cotton jeans ($285) by Baldwin Denim & Collection; leather boots ($495) by Trask. Right, on Scott Mueller: Cotton-nylon-and-down parka ($625) and cotton shirt ($275) by Emporio Armani; wool sweater ($195), Gant by Michael Bastian; cotton corduroy trousers ($165) by Boss Orange; leather boots ($269) by Original Chippewa. On William Cody Causey, 32, hunting guide: Wool sweater ($398), cotton shirt ($165), and cotton cargo pants ($125) by Polo Ralph Lauren; nylon-and-down vest ($185) by Ralph Lauren RLX. Rule No. 79 Puffy need not meanpuffed out. A gooddown jacket shouldgive you full rangeof motion in yourarms and shoulders,all while hugging(and warming the hellout of) your armsand torso. On Scott Mueller, 34, owner, medical-marijuana…